Oh, Wow!
©2020, George J. Irwin. All rights reserved.

Narrator: Welcome to Let's Find You A House! We're in the charming town of East Overshoe, which has both rundown houses and cheaply thrown together new builds. There's shopping, from convenience stores to big-box echo chambers. The area has a rustic charm all its own, as if time stopped fifty years ago, mostly because it did.

We're with Dick and Jane, who are looking to relocate.

Dick: I just got a promotion at Happy Dollars Discount Stores, but I have to move here?

Jane: I own a holistic hangnail treatment business and I'm a part time squirrel groomer. I can live anywhere.

Narrator: Before they can find their dream home in East Overshoe, they meet with Biff, the local real estate salesperson and heavy metal grunge band leader. Biff needs to know more about what Dick and Jane want so he can match it to the available properties in town.

Dick: We need at least five bedrooms.

Jane: And three bathrooms. One for me, one for him and a spare.

Dick: A three-car garage. I have a lot of junk.

Jane: Yeah, like that collection of concrete penguins. Can't you get rid of those already?

Dick: I want a man-cave with space for a hundred inch television.

Jane: We need at least five acres. I've got to have room for my free-range chickens.

Dick: But it should be walking distance to the center of town.

Jane: That's right, since I count on people being able to find my business.

Dick: I don't have time to maintain a house. I work double shifts at Happy Dollars.

Jane: I want a place that has old bones so I can tear it down to the studs and rebuild it just the way I want it.

Dick: Where are we going to get the money for that?

Jane: I guess you'll just have to start working triple shifts.

Narrator: Speaking of money, it's important to understand what Dick and Jane can spend on their new dream home.

Biff: What's your budget?

Dick: Two-fifty.

Biff: Two hundred fifty thousand?

Jane: No, two hundred fifty dollars.

Biff: Hmm, that might be a little bit of a challenge, but I'll see what I can do.

Narrator: A few days later, Biff takes Dick and Jane to a newly listed property halfway between the business district and the edge of town.

Biff: This is a little out of your budget range, but I think you should look at it since it has a couple of the things on your list. It's a three bedroom two bathroom house, with a garage, and it has some recent upgrades. As you can see, it's located at the end of a cute little cul-de-sac.

Jane: That's really bad feng shui. All the negative energy will come right down the street and flow into the front door!

Biff: Well, you could put up a fence.

Jane: Or a mirror.

Dick: I'm rubber, you're glue! What nonsense.

Narrator: There appears to be a little bit of earth-moving going on in the front yard, so Biff takes them around to the kitchen entrance.

Dick: What's going on out there?

Biff: Oh, just trying to fix the sewer backup that happened last week, nothing to worry about. It'll all be repaired soon and they'll reseed the lawn.

Jane: I don't know...

Biff: Let's have a look inside!

Narrator: Biff opens the back sliding door and they enter the kitchen.

Jane: Oh, wow, subway tile!

Biff: This kitchen has new cabinet doors from Replacement Value Hardware, an internet-connected microwave oven, and plenty of space for storage.

Dick: Jane, I thought you wanted an island counter with a glass top range. This is just an extension of the counter.

Biff: Think of it more as a peninsula than an island.

Jane: What's that funny looking thing... a new kind of refrigerator?

Biff: Actually, it's an icebox. Don't you think it really lends a rustic touch? Let's have a look at the first bathroom, which is right here off the kitchen.

Jane: Oh, wow, subway tile!

Dick: It has shag carpeting?

Biff: OK, moving right along, let's check out the living room. It has a sunken floor, which doubles as a kiddie pool during flood season.

Jane: Oh, wow, subway tile!

Dick: We don't have any kids, so I don't think we need an indoor pool.

Biff: Oh, most young couples wind up with kids. You've got to think ahead!

Jane: I am NOT having kids. We've had this argument a hundred times already.

Dick: Wait, I didn't say it, he did! And we'll see about that.

Biff: And the front entrance includes a mud room, complete with mud. Don't worry about the front door. A package deliverer accidentally tried to shove a waffle iron through the mail slot. They tell us they'll fix or replace it soon, absolutely, positively.

Narrator: Biff, Dick and Jane head upstairs to see the three bedrooms on the second floor.

Biff: So here's the first, largest bedroom. It's a generous twelve by twelve and a half feet...

Jane: Oh wow, subway tile!

Biff: ...And that gives you plenty of space to install your own closets. The floor has recently been redone with fresh factory-second linoleum from Sam's Surplus and is completely guaranteed for one year or less. The seller got a great deal on this and is passing the savings on to you.

Jane: Um, this linoleum is chartruse and purple. I don't think it matches the subway tile.

Dick: Did you say, install your own closets? I wanted a move-in ready house.

Biff: But having to put in your own closets gives you so much flexibility. You only pay for what you need.

Narrator: The second and third bedrooms are each the same size, eight by ten feet. Biff shows them to the couple.

Dick: Good thing we don't have kids. These are tiny.

Jane: Oh wow, subway tile!

Biff: So you can see, these are just so cozy. Is there anything else I can show you upstairs?

Jane: How about the second floor bathroom?

Biff: Actually, that's down in the basement.

Dick: Does that fit your feng shui?

Jane: Shut up.

Narrator: The prospective homeowners head down to the basement where there are several surprises waiting...

Jane: Oh wow, subway tile!

Dick: Why is there a toilet on a platform in the middle of the floor?

Biff: That's the second bathroom. There's a shower right there too. It's great for when you get home from work all sweaty and stinky, you don't even have to enter the house. You can come in through the garage, take those clothes off and jump right under the shower, and toss the clothes over here by the washer and dryer.

Jane: A toilet on a platform. I guess that means it's a throne!

Dick: Shut up.

Biff: And the washer and dryer have just been updated, there's even a wringer on top of the washer so that you don't have to put the clothes in the dryer too wet.

Dick: I only see a clothesline.

Biff: But it's brand new! I watched the owner put it up myself.

Jane: Was this house inspected?

Biff: Yes, and it was determined that no question, this is considered to be a house.

Dick: I think we've seen enough.

Jane: But what about the outside?

Biff: Yes, there is a fabulous backyard with a pit...

Dick: A fire pit?

Biff: No, just a pit. It's all ready to customize to your needs.

Dick: Did you not hear me when I said I wanted a move-in ready house?

Jane: Does the pit have subway tile?

Dick: That's enough with the subway tile.

Jane: Shut up.

Biff: Well, let's check out the garage. It's on the way out. We can go out through the walkout.

Narrator: The excited couple head out of the house for their last stop.

Biff: And here it is. It's a full one and a half car garage.

Dick: Come again?

Biff: It holds one and a half cars.

Jane: What would you do with a half car space?

Dick: Maybe your free-range chickens can spend the winter there.

Jane: Leave the chickens out of it. We'll store your stupid penguins.

Dick: Shut up.

Jane: So how far away from here is the business district? Is it walkable?

Biff: Oh, about five.

Jane: Five minutes?

Biff: Five miles. But at least half of that has sidewalks and streetlights.

Dick: Well, that hike should help you keep your girlish figure.

Jane: I'm already keeping my girlish figure, because we're not having kids.

Dick: No, we're having chickens instead.

Jane: I told you to leave the chickens out of this! Besides, I'm not walking that far. I'll have to drive!

Dick: Drive what, the half a car?

Biff: So, what do you think? Isn't this everything you're expecting from a dream home?

Dick: I think we need a new person to show us houses.

Jane: I think I want a divorce!

Narrator: And so, the looking for a house concludes right there.

Graphic: Three months later...

Dick: Well, I'm doing just fine. I dumped Jane and hooked up with one of the cashiers from Happy Dollars. We got lucky on the first try and we've already got twins on the way. We moved in with her mother. No subway tile!

Jane: I'm on my own, just me and the chickens. I went back to where I grew up and I live over a barn now. I had to give up the hangnail business but I have people come from all over for completely organic fresh eggs. I'm so glad I went looking for a house with Dick because it helped realize I could never live with such a jerk!

Narrator: And once again, a successful conclusion to Let's Find You A House! Join us next time and we think you too will say "Oh, wow!"