Who's Who? Not You
©2024, George J. Irwin. All rights reserved.

Were it not for a plaque hung for years on a wall in a room in the house where I spent a good deal of my youth, I would have completely forgotten about something called Who’s Who Among American High School Students.

Apparently the, let us say, questionable, value of being in some versions of directories like this has made it to the present day. About a week after I boxed up the plaque in question for later disposition, and subsequently searched on the phrase “Who’s Who Among American High School Students,” I received an unsolicited e-mail announcing in Really Big Print that I “was being considered” for inclusion in some other Very Important Directory, “based on current position, researched professional and executive listings and often by the recommendation of their peers.”

Laying it on thick: “Congratulations on your nomination! Your work ethic and drive to achieve have brought you to the attention of the world’s preeminent biographical publisher.”

Actually, it was probably my search for the phrase that brought me to the attention of the world’s preeminent biographical publisher (in their opinion, no doubt), and I wonder how much they paid for that lead, and whether I need to add a few more blockers to my cache of online add-in browser tools.

As evidenced by my almost instant removal of that notification from my inbox, I don’t think I’ll be accepting my “nomination.”

And why, might you ask, would I not accept this honor?

Well, let me take you back to the Previous Century and that plaque. It turns out that if you wanted to preserve that honor, you need to purchase something that marked its being awarded to you. I vaguely recall an argument with my parents about whether it was even worth the cost of the plaque (plus shipping and handling), never mind the entire volume in which your name was printed, probably in very small print, at a price that I recall was a three digit number to the left of the decimal point (plus shipping and handling).

You might be surprised to know that I was the one taking that side that it was not worth it. If I wanted to look myself up, I could go to a library in the area, which I already knew carried it—although I did not know how I knew that fact. Maybe I could have qualified for Who’s Who In Useless Trivia.

My parents were on the other side of the argument. They thought that this was an honor worth commemorating. I would be able to look at that plaque for years to come, I was told, and remember fondly how I had been selected out of the possibly millions of other mere mortal high school students and cited for my achievement of... well, whatever it was I did to be selected. I made the case that, on balance, there was not much I would remember fondly about my journey through through the primary and secondary educational processes, and what I did wish to recall had nothing to do with an expensive yet cheaply made plaque. But I couldn’t talk them out of it. They did agree that a book which would devote approximately zero percent (rounded to the nearest whole number) of its content to me was not worth the price being asked, or even some small fraction of that price (plus shipping and handling). I suppose it was a compromise, a rare one at a house where “Because I said so” concluded discussions most of the time.

So my parents sent off a check, and some weeks later, my Commemorative Plaque arrived, complete with several additional solicitations informing me that my honor wouldn’t be complete until I could hold the actual book in my hands, or perhaps a Certificate Suitable For Framing. Wait, why would we want that when we already had the plaque? No matter. My father found a place on the wall next to some of my other memorabilia and up went the confirmation that I was in Who’s Who Among American High School Students, where it remained until I took it down years later.

It’s safe to say that the members of my immediate family were the only ones who knew of this recognition. In the years that followed, no one stopped me on the street asking for my autograph; I was not consulted on any matter, important or otherwise, based on my inclusion in this directory; I was not invited to any talk shows; I did not receive special treatment in any restaurant, hotel or other business because I was in it; and as far as I know, no one ever bothered to look for me in the copy that was in the local library. Except me. I looked. Once. I suppose I could have dragged the book out of the Reference Section and made a copy of the page on which I appeared, but I didn’t.

In conclusion, getting into Who’s Who didn’t make me a Who at all.

I can also report with no regret that my notoriety did not extend beyond high school. I did not receive word that I had been selected to appear in Who’s Who Among Students in Colleges and Universities. And I have not been tapped to be included in any other Who’s Who in any other field or endeavor, for that matter. Well, other than via that e-mail.

But the publishers of these directories weren’t quite done with us yet. Perhaps sensing that our family might consider making another purchase, my father received a letter congratulating him on his nomination to be included in some other Who’s Who, the exact title of which I don’t recall. And they were right about the potential incremental revenue, because he sent in another check and another plaque was sent to the house. But again, there was no sale on the actual book. What’s perhaps most interesting about this is that the publishers of the two Who’s Whos were not the same, and were apparently not affiliated with each other. And neither of them was the creator of the original Who’s Who, which has been published in Britain since 1847. Which reminds me that although I won’t be selected, I’d rather not consider meeting the key criteria for inclusion in the book Who Was Who.

As for Who’s Who Among American High School Students, it appears that they have not been congratulating more recent secondary education participants more recently, having closed down in 2007.

Fortunately, there are lots of ways to obtain plaques with your name on them, that don’t require any sort of nomination whatsoever.

...